So, you're about to buy, or maybe steal, a new computer.
But you can't decide what you want to get rid of: your money, your sex life, or your immortal soul.
This test can help you with that.
Question 1: What are you going to use this computer for?
A. Work and porn
B. Use? Computer?
C. Video games and porn
D. Work, programming for fun even though I program for a living, and porn
Question 2: How cheap are you?
A. Not cheap
B. I paid a guy $1500 to mow my lawn
C. Shoplifter cheap
D. Ebenezer Scrooge cheap
Question 3: Do you plan on getting married?
A. I have been married for five years
B. I have been married for seventy years
C. I have porn, don't I?
D. Marriage? Sex? What's that?
Question 4: What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?
A. I saved an orphan from drowning
B. I drowned an orphan
C. I stole a nuclear ICBM
D. I built a nuclear ICBM
Question 5: What do you think of capitalism?
A. It's okay
B. I only buy from Wal-Mart
C. I run my car on vegetable oil that I steal from McDonald's
D. I think I was Karl Marx in a past life
Question 6: Do you like computers?
A. I guess
C. I'd kill a puppy to get another computer
D. I am a computer
Question 7: What are your academic accomplishments?
A. I majored in liberal arts
B. I skipped school to go to church
C. I cheated my way to straight A's
D. I have seven degrees
Question 8: Are you enjoying this test?
A. It's a little less boring than working
B. It is offensive and probably Satanic
C. I skipped to the bottom
D. I'm just using it to test my artificial intelligence program
Question 9: How fast can you type?
A. 40 WPM
B. 2 WPM
C. 70 WPM
D. 320 WPM
Question 10: Wait, you're not actually taking this test seriously, are you?
A. Of course not
B. I take Satan very seriously
C. I only have it opened so I can Alt+Tab to it if my mom comes in the room
D. I haven't written the sarcasm-detection code yet
If you chose A more than five times, buy Windows.
If you chose B more than five times, buy a Mac.
If you chose C more than five times, pirate Windows.
If you chose D more than five times, install Linux.
If none of the above apply, go back to watching porn.